Keep It Simple Stupid

Fox & Cat Discuss Options Of Avoiding Hounds

Fox & Cat Discuss Options Of Avoiding Hounds

            The Cat, the Fox, & the Hounds

The fox was bragging to the cat about how smart he is when it comes to evading the hounds that chase both of them. He said he has 7 plans for escaping them; and each plan has 3 or 4 sub-plans.

The cat was impressed, and said, “I have one simple plan. When I hear the sound of the hounds I just climb the nearest tree. The fox scoffed arrogantly. Just then, the sounds of the barking hounds could be heard in the distance. The cat executed his simple plan by finding and then jumping up the nearest tree. The fox became so confused trying to figure out which plan to use, that he was caught by them. The simple organizing principles for the cat enabled it to execute a plan, even when there was intense fear or confusion. The simplest solution when partners are in high conflict is to separate from one another. It’s a simple solution, but it is very hard to do without training, education, and practice.  Because, it goes against our human reflexive nature to defend ourselves from emotional disturbances.

 

The highest organizing principle of engaging a partner who is upset with you is to show with your ‘FIRST WORDS’ that you are taking what your partner is saying seriously.  You do this by reflecting in your first words that you see some truth in what is being said about you, that you acknowledge that their thoughts and feelings make some sense, and that you’re willing to make amends.  This is know as ‘sweeping my side of the street’ first, before expressing my experience and point of view.

Learn the organizing principles of handling conflict with confidence. There is an elegant simplicity and common sense behind the five agreements and the two skills. In the heat of any argument with your partner you will both appreciate the simplicity of the principles and techniques. The organizing principles of what couples learn in the seminar include safety, listening, and then expressing in that order. This simply means that emotional, mental, and physical safety is the highest priority, followed by listening to the partner’s concerns and finally expressing one’s thoughts and feelings and requests. No one should be listening or expressing when it is emotionally or mentally unsafe. And, the most respectful second step after establishing safety is to be the listener first. Finally, it’s time to express your thoughts and feelings.

         The same principle of the effectiveness of ‘The simpler, the better!’ philosophy holds true for relationship communication conflict.  Fear, anger, fight & flight are powerful influences when partners show irritation with each other.  That’s why the easiest plan to execute, when agitated, is the one that might actually get implemented!
There are five SIMPLE foundations of respectful behavior covered by the agreements in the Power And Compassion Course:

There are five foundations of respectful behavior covered by the agreements in the Course:

  • I’ll listen to you until you feel done when you ask; and I’ll expect the same from you.
  • I’ll spend 20 minutes a week with you to listen to whatever you need me to understand.
  • I’ll let you leave the room, if you feel overwhelmed, flooded, scared, or angry.
  • I’ll let you define if you feel disrespected by my tone of voice, and I’ll stop when you ask.
  • And, I’ll get some professional help if I cannot reasonably follow my agreements with you.

Losing Control

One of the most important concepts of this program is recognizing that when we are physiologically aroused by our hurt, angry, fearful and defensive emotions we can get out of control and end up saying and doing things we don’t mean, yet cannot take back. When we feel defensive the body and mind can only focus on running or fighting. Some people might just call this ‘going nuts,’ or ‘losing it!’ The body produces a hormone called adrenaline, when it feels attacked, that has many effects on the body and the mind. When adrenaline is rushing throughout our bodies we become incapable of having a rational productive conversation. We are in ‘fight or flight’ mode.

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When adrenaline is in your bloodstream, it becomes extremely difficult to
care about what your partner is experiencing. The ‘fight or flight’ mode
stays active longer if one feeds the narrative (self-talk) that “I’m a victim.”
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Adrenaline and the fight or flight system is designed for physical survival. It gears not only the body but, the mind, for completely focusing on running or fighting. But, the fight or flight system kicks in with emotionally threatening situations as well. Picture yourself sitting quietly enjoying a television program and your partner enters the room with a stern face saying, “Honey, I’d like to talk with you about our relationship.” You know that sensation that starts in the pit of your stomach and expands until your breathing either stops or gets faster and then your heart starts racing like it’s going to beat out of your chest. Your mind becomes solely focused on preparing to defend yourself. That’s adrenaline! This is when people need to have the last word. Or, they need to defend, blame, run away, distract, deceive, or win. Once adrenaline is flowing there is not much room in your mind left for thinking about what other people may be thinking or feeling. There is no room for thinking about what role your behavior has played in the problem.

Under these biological and mental conditions, there’s little chance that you will be trying to understand what your partner’s experience would be like. In other words, adrenaline has now rendered you almost incapable of being responding in a constructive way. In the throes of an adrenaline rush, you are not very sensitive or empathic for your partner. You now have no sense of responsibility and little capacity for empathy; the two most important qualities needed for good conflict resolution. Do you think it’s a good idea to stay in the room when both partners are under the influence of an adrenaline surge? I’ve asked couples before, “Of the last ten times that the arguing became very intense, how many times did it work out great by staying in the room hashing it out?” The answer is usually one or none.

Most of my seminar attendees identify with the insanity of staying in the room, trying to get that last extra point made, even when it is so obvious that the argument is dangerous and no one is listening to the other. Many of them have been that couple, that continue to argue even when it is obvious that it will only get worse. They all agree that they wished there was a remote control button they could push that would guarantee them that they would stop arguing. Please surrender to the concept that there are times when you are out of control and must simply zip your lip and take a Time Out and leave the room. The problem seems to be that each person in a hot conflict is waiting for the partner to stop. The surrender I’m talking about is that I need to stop talking and leave the room. It’s me, who is the problem right now! My heart rate, my mouth, my words, my tone of voice and the look on my face; which is creating more conflict.

A good motto to follow is Let the changes begin with me. You and your partner will begin to trust each other more with every passing day. When your partner trusts that there is always an avenue for talking about his or her thoughts and feelings then there is never a need to interrupt, yell, or argue. When each partner trusts that if someone cannot stay in the room there is an agreement that allows that to happen.

See more free tips & resources HERE.

When you know better, you do better!

‘Talk About Difficult Subjects Without Interruption’ – and other Free Podcasts HERE!

Loving couples argue too!

My next Los Angeles
‘Power And Compassion Couples Communication’
Weekend Workshop

is HERE.

 Anger Management skills can be helpful for people ranging from the mildly miffed to the violently vengeful.  You do not need to be in a physically violent relationship to benefit from understanding and learning about communicating anger and hurt feelings constructively.

I’m just expressing my feelings.   Isn’t that O.K.?

VulnerabilityGood15People think they are expressing their true feelings by being aggressive or hostile.  That’s partly true.  But, they are missing what is making them so agitated and controlling.  Like a pained, sad face underneath a clown’s mask; most aggression and hostility is a defense and protection against feeling vulnerable feelings such as fear, shame, pain, weak or powerlessness.    I’ve worked with men who are violent or hostile for 28 years and these men improve their relationships as they learn how to tolerate these vulnerable feelings in themselves and in their partner.

TranslationCartoon2

 

This blog is dedicated to helping people communicate better and improve their relationships.  There is so much unnecessary suffering and conflict and I believe the information, skills, agreements and resources I’ve developed can help.  Folks can use these skills to improve, or even to save, their relationships.

Sincerely,

Marc Sadoff, MSW, BCD

 

If you are scared of your partner’s angry behavior then reach out to your local shelter, to me, or call the National Hotline at 1 (800) 799-SAFE (7233)   You can read about abuse at their website- www.TheHotline.org

Or, read a little more on my site about abuse HERE. 

 

See more free tips & resources HERE.

When you know better, you do better!

‘Talk About Difficult Subjects Without Interruption’ – and other Free Podcasts HERE!

Loving couples argue too!

My next Los Angeles
‘Power And Compassion Couples Communication’
Weekend Workshop

is HERE.

Answer: Take turns, show some respect, make time for each other to speak and mean what you say, and do what you say. While those words are easily said, they can be hard to follow when your partner says or does something that just makes you crazy with frustration.AsianCoupleDistant

         Imagine driving in city traffic and there were no traffic signals working at any of the intersections. We would all be on hyper-alert at every signal. When the stop signals are working we basically trust that other people in cars will respect the rules of the road, we The Real Hope Couples Course consists of five agreements between you and your partner; and learning two skills. Are you in control of yourself, or not? If you make an agreement, and it turns out that you cannot keep your agreements then you must be out of your own control. If you still want to gain control over the behavior, professional help is probably needed.

The five agreements are:

  • Time Out: Either partner can stop a conflict and leave the room or house when arguments feel overwhelming. I will stop talking and let you leave the room when you say, “I need a Time Out, I’ll be back in an hour.”
  • Listening Exchange: To take turns listening to each other, reflecting what you hear.   There is less conflict when we are clear who has the floor as a speaker.
  • Weekly Meeting Time: To spend weekly time together to speak safely about the relationship, or any other concerns.
  • Respect: Commit to allowing your partner to say when your tone of voice feels disrespectful.
  • Integrity: What if I can’t do it? I will seek help if my behavior is out of my own control and my agreements are not reasonably kept. 

The full agreements used in the RealHope Couples Course, are included for free in the link HERE.  

These five agreements assure that there is a structure to move through conflicts. Someone who makes these agreements is interested in assuring that his, or her, partner feels safe to express their thoughts, feelings and needs without ill consequence.        

The Two Skills central to the RealHope Couples Course are:

  • How to respond to somebody who is angry, hurt or disappointed with you.
  • How to express your thoughts, feelings and desires when you are angry or hurt.

The result of practicing these two core skills is that whenever there is anger, disappointment or hurt in your relationship; there is a simple path to listening and speaking that is most likely to be successful. And, you also have an agreement and path to handle the moments when communication is not being successful.

“If change is to happen….Let it begin with me!” – Al-Anon slogan

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”     – Mahatma GhandiAsianCoupleHappy

See more free tips & resources HERE.

When you know better, you do better!

‘Talk About Difficult Subjects Without Interruption’ – and other Free Podcasts HERE!

Loving couples argue too!

My next Los Angeles
‘Power And Compassion Couples Communication’
Weekend Workshop

is HERE.

pour-gas-on-fire2   The phrase, “That’s like pouring gasoline on a fire.” absolutely describes what happens when defending and explaining yourself are your first words used to calm your partner.

The more you explain, the more trouble you seem to be in with your partner.  The more you say your point of view, the more angry your partner seems to become.

Just think of how you respond to someone you are upset with when that person immediately begins explaining and defending the behavior.  It does not calm you.  In fact, it usually makes you more mad.

Explaining and defending your behavior
ACTUALLY MAKES THINGS WORSE!

In medicine they call it an ‘iatragenic effect.’   When the attempts of the doctor to heal actually become the source of a new symptom or illness.  For instance, you go to the doctor for a pimple.  She prescribes a medication that then causes you to break out in a rash.    There was no bad intention.  The doctor did not mean to cause more symptoms, but nonetheless is responsible for having done so.

When your partner is upset with you, and you’ve got adrenaline pumping through your body, and you are angry, hurt, scared or confused; the first response most people think of is a self-centered one.  That is the view of the situation that I see.  Not the view of the situation as my partner may see it.  Well, at that precise time the partner is trying to get his, or her, thoughts and feelings across.  If I interrupt that effort by bringing in my experience and point of view and my thoughts and my feelings; then the dialogue necessarily becomes a conflict.  My view or your view.

It is your first response, and your FIRST WORDS, that will show your partner what is most important to you.

Are you more interested in defending your good name than

in dealing with how you have affected your partner?

            Do my first words convey that:

          A) My highest priority is defending myself.  Or do my first words show that-

         B) I care about how my partner feels and how I affected him or her.    

As long as I think that defending and explaining myself is the solution for conflicts that I get into with my partner I am ensuring that the conflict will continue.  If I insist that you understand me before I’ve given you the experience of feeling understood by me; then I will continue to find myself at odds with my partner.  St. Francis to the rescue!  “Seek first to understand others, before seeking understanding for self.   Seek first to comfort others before seeking comfort for self.”  This means addressing the concerns of your partneras if they were true.’    The truth is simply that your partner thinks and feels these things.   So, it is true by definition…. that is what your partner thought and felt.  This does not define or convict you of anything.  Listening all the way through and trying to see what you can agree with and have some empathy for the partner’s experience is going to allow your partner to calm down and eventually hear out your experience, thoughts and feelings.

There will be some readers that will insist that the OTHER partner starts this process first.  Those readers are waiting for their partners statements of apologies, empathy, responsibility and amends.  The attitude seems to be, “You first!”  For these folks I can only reference Ghandi when he said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”  Or another saying that goes, “If change is to happen, let it begin with me.”  To these people that are still waiting I ask, “Do you want a fuller, compassionate and responsible dialogue with your partner over a contentious issue to happen sooner…. or later?”

If you do decide that you want to be instrumental in calming your partner during conflicts then you are ready to learn the 3 Step technique of addressing three things before you talk about your point of view.  It’s all about the sequencing and the order with which you respond to someone who is upset with you.   The RealHope Couples Course uses a metaphor to help remember to do a few things before you try to do another thing.  It just works better that way.

 

See more free tips & resources HERE.

When you know better, you do better!

‘Talk About Difficult Subjects Without Interruption’ – and other Free Podcasts HERE!

Loving couples argue too!

My next Los Angeles
‘Power And Compassion Couples Communication’
Weekend Workshop

is HERE.

EasyDoesItParkingSign

The K.I.S.S in the title refers to Keep It Simple Stupid! 

When you are given too many instructions at the same time it can be confusing.  I stood in front of that parking sign for 10 minutes and still did not know what to do.

The same is true for communication skills instruction designed to help guide you to more respectful, honest and effective ways to engage conflict with your partner.  The more emotional the conflict the more the need for simple ‘Easy Does It’ guidelines showing you almost exactly what to say when you are upset or responding to someone who is upset with you.

The first rule of my K.I.S.S. is that you can’t have a productive talk with a ‘walking lit stick of dynamite.’  That means that when adrenaline is running high and one partner is very scared, irritable, withdrawn or hostile there must be a cooling off period varying from 15 minutes to an hour.

Use Time Out when either party is unable to listen.

This is known as a Time Out.  It’s an agreement that both parties have previously made that states that anyone can call a temporary halt to a dialogue, as long as they come back to it within an hour.  The actual agreement is the first one listed in this downloadable 2 page summary of agreements HERE.

The second rule is that if it is the partner who is angry and you it is really important to not defend yourself immediately.  Later, you’ll have a chance to say what you want your partner to understand, but first you must do three things

  • Own what is true about your behavior that is upsetting your partner.  e.g. “Yes, I’m late.”
  • Acknowledge what your partner is thinking or feeling. e.g. “It makes sense you’re upset.”
  • Apologize if it’s appropriate and say what you’re going to do about it.  “I’m sorry, I’ll be more mindful of that in the future.”

Do these three things BEFORE you explain or defend yourself.  Having done so, you are earned your right to be listened to fully.   Click_For_What_To_Do.mp4 then come back to this page.

Let me review the simplicity of how to respond to an angry partner.

  1. If you or your partner is too hostile or withdrawn then take a Time Out for less than an hour.
  2. If you’re partner is angry at you then help him or her feel that you’re taking them seriously and not simply arguing.
  3. You do this by Owning what you did, how it affected the other and said what you’ll do about that.

That’s plenty to digest for now.  I will explain the Easy Does It K.I.S.S guidelines for expressing yourself in a separate post.  I’ll leave you with my new signature mantra below which helps me a lot.

I have acceptance & compassion for self & others as is, in this moment.

 

parkingmeter

How can I get that 2 second window of time to think before I act?

Many people know that it is crucial to take a Time Out before major bad things are said or done, but when that time comes in a passionate exchange with their partner, they seem absolutely incapable of stopping themselves.  When adrenaline runs high in your body, you’ll find that even though you have sworn in the past to take time outs, that you simply had to have that last zinger, question or comment.

Well oops, that was the proverbial last straw that broke all hell loose!  The trick it seems is to recognize when your amygdala-pituitary-hippocampal-adrenal glands are beginning to ramp up.  And, you can do that without a crystal ball, a Ph.D. or an M.D. degree.  It just takes a little re-engineering of where you direct your attention.  Even though you’re thinking, “How could he be so uncaring about how I feel?”  Or, “Why is she ruining a perfectly good evening?”, you could be redirecting your attention to your physiology, your own thinking and your own thinking.  ptdwnbinocs

You can put down the binoculars looking at your partner’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors and pick up a mirror to become aware of your own thoughts, feelings, behaviors and physiology.

By physiology I mean:

  • Breathing and heart rate changes.
  • Feeling electricity in my head or body.
  • Flushed or hot face.  Dry mouth. Headache.
  • Clenched teeth or hands.
  • Feeling frozen or numb, confused, head spinning, head fog and funnel vision.
  • Pacing, waving hands, raising voice, leaning toward partner, pounding table or wall.
  • And you’ll add more…

By redirecting my attention to my thinking such as:

  • Thinking about saying, “I’m done.”, “I’m out of here.”, “I can’t handle this any longer.”
  • Imagining how I can best lie or hurt my partner.
  • Feeling powerless.
  • Thinking about saying how my partner started this, or how he or she does it worse than me.
  • Feeling like a victim and that I am innocent of what my partner thinks.  I’m misunderstood.
  • Feeling offended because, “I didn’t have a mean intention to harm my partner.”
  • And you’ll add more…

Nothing short of an absolute surrender of your will to control the situation will allow you to take a Time Out and prevent a lot more damage to the relationship!  You will not do this unless you have some experience with the practice of taking a Time Out.   I tell couples in my monthly seminar to practice taking Time Outs on small disagreements at least twice in the next month.  It’s like a fire drill in that couples get to practice the requirements of the Time Out agreement they made with one another.

No one gives up their self-will to manage threatening situations without some level of trust that it will still work out better.  If you are willing to see that using your usual style has usually failed, then perhaps you can try something new.  For the Time Out to work both partners make the agreement out loud to each other.  If you cannot execute the Time Out agreement there are a myriad of possible reasons, some of which I’ll briefly list here: pure selfishness, alcoholism or addiction, mental health disorders such as borderline, narcissism, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) bipolar disorder or side effects of medications and chronic lying.  For these issues one or both partners should seek professional counseling.  Using the five agreements and two skill of the Real Hope Couples Course can help couples navigate these qualities, but getting help individually is most often necessary.

I wrote the full Time Out agreement and an exercise for learning how to recognize that it’s time to stop arguing much earlier.   It’s free and it’s 9 pages of the pure practical advice for stopping arguments more quickly.

 

download_button Go HERE for this FREE download.

 

See more free tips & resources HERE.

When you know better, you do better!

‘Talk About Difficult Subjects Without Interruption’ – and other Free Podcasts HERE!

Loving couples argue too!

My next Los Angeles
‘Power And Compassion Couples Communication’
Weekend Workshop

is HERE.

 

I welcome and respond to any comments about the ideas or my methods.

I have total acceptance and compassion for myself and others, in this moment… as is.

 

ChasingPursueAvoid

When someone moves toward you and you believe you are in some danger, the natural instinct is to run or hide.   If you are the partner in pursuit of emotionally important information from your partner and your partner moves away, avoids or distances you can become more agitated in your pursuit.

The more he runs away or withdraws the more intense and agitated the pursuer becomes.  The more intense the pursuit the more withdrawn and distancing the Avoider becomes.

arrows_spinning_chase_300_wht_9838

Pursuing Causes Distancing Which Causes More Pursuing, Which Causes More Avoiding etc., etc.

This is commonly called a vicious circle.  The more you do one thing, the more you get of the thing that makes you do that something.  The harder you try, the farther away your goal becomes.  This is often the nature of attempts to manage or control other people’s thoughts, feelings or behaviors.

 

This continues until someone blows up!  Usually by saying or doing something so outrageous and often disrespectful.  This can either catapult the argument into something much, much worse; or it can end the pursuit.  Unfortunately, it can also end the relationship.

Our brains and our nervous system have seen fit to hard wire our emotional experience such that if we see our prey escaping, we think we need to run harder.  Similarly if we ARE the prey, our brain tells us to get away from the threat even more if the threat is getting closer.  There’s not a lot we can do about our brain’s hard wiring.  However, we can train ourselves to modify this pattern.

If we can change the MEANING OF THE CHASE and the MEANING OF THE DISTANCING.   This is known in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as ‘Reframing.’  When you change the meaning of pursuing and distancing/avoiding/withdrawal behaviors it is possible to reduce your experience of threat and danger.   If you knew that the partner pursuing you simply wanted to feel connected to you, you might feel differently.  Or, if you can reframe your perception of your partner distancing as seeing someone who is afraid or ashamed; you might feel differently about continuing the intensity of your pursuit

 

The best way of minimizing the sense of threat is to get positive experiences with turning toward your pursuer to become interested in what he or she wants.  Or to accumulate positive experiences of slowing down the energy of your pursuit to use some of the skills mentioned in my ‘Power & Compassion Couples Communication’ course.

“I want to see myself having radical acceptance and compassion for myself and others, as is, in this moment.”

See more free tips & resources HERE.

When you know better, you do better!

‘Talk About Difficult Subjects Without Interruption’ – and other Free Podcasts HERE!

Loving couples argue too!

My next Los Angeles
‘Power And Compassion Couples Communication’
Weekend Workshop

is HERE.