3 Reasons To Not Defend Yourself When You Feel Attacked
Choice To Defend…. or to Not Defend
To Defend… or Not Defend
Three Reasons To Stop Defending Yourself
Your partner says something that offends you, and you are positive that he or she is just completely wrong, inappropriate or lying. You have a choice about how your respond that gives you 10 times the power of defending yourself.
But, how do you NOT defend yourself? Especially, when you know that it’s just a misunderstanding. Perhaps you hink that it’s more efficient to interrupt your partner to inform him, or her, of your insight and explanation. Ask yourself how that interrupting habit is working for you.
Three reasons you will see yourself as a fool if you defend first:
- You don’t get what you want. Things usually get worse.
- Explaining/Defending first makes the other think you are not accountable and do not care about their experience.
- You can always explain or defend yourself after you’ve listened and connected with your partner for 2 to 4 minutes. Your point of view loses it’s power, if you’ve interrupted the other.
What is your actual experience with interrupting to explain or defend yourself?
How does it make you feel when you are interrupted before you finish?
If you could say 3 sentences in 8 seconds, after you listen all the way through,
that soothed your partner, would you want to see yourself using it?
Even the worst scenarios can…
The worst habit which destroys many relationships and marriages is to become defensive whenever there is a problem. Or, whenever people point out how you may have hurt or offended them. This habit will have you explaining, interrupting and most destructively, not listening. Sometime, if you only listened another 10 seconds of longer, it would perhaps solve the problem. At least it doesn’t make it worse.
Defending, explaining and seeking to become understood before seeking to understand your partner will most definitely make it worse.
…be restored to trust & love.
Training and pre-planning your first words will help you have the best responses to your partner; when your lizard brain is telling you otherwise.
Loving Couples Argue Too, but,
they have something others do not…. Habits & Skills…
that help them navigate conflict.
My blog on ‘First Words’
last previously shows you the format for hitting just the right notes in less than 10 seconds to put your partner’s mind to ease that you’ve heard their concern and are connecting to the solution.
Try just a couple of the complimentary tools available on my blog and see if you might begin to feel more powerful and more compassionate and more responsible!
People act aggressively or withdraw because
they JUST don’t know what else to do.
The Power & Compassion Communication seminar course will provide
you with EXACTLY HOW to navigate even high conflict.
When you know better, you do better!
Los Angeles Couples Weekend Workshop 10-27 & 10/28 2018
Transform Your Relationship
October 27 & 28, 2018 in West Los Angeles
Power and Compassion Couples
Communication Weekend Workshop
to be notified via email to register.
Frustrated couples get better and
good couples become GREAT!
Marc Sadoff, LCSW
Seminars – Therapy – Relationship Coaching
310 – 444-1951