Reasons People Say & Do
Things They Regret Later
- Do not EVER talk about or hint about ending a relationship in a moment of anger, fear, or frustration. This is a ‘no matter what commitment’ to make with yourself. At the same level of high commitment as you’ve made to yourself that you do not drive through red lights on the road; do not use abandoning language.
- If you do use language that implies that you are leaving the relationship, know that you can recover from the consequences. But, only if you’ve demonstrated that you’ve learned something from the experience.
Think before you speak. Of course, it is O.K. to have a serious conversation with your partner saying you are thinking about an ending. But, when statements hinting at endings are made in moments of anger and fear those statements are not followed through. People saying that are more likely referring to wanting to end this ridiculous or tedious argument; not ending the relationship. Much more on that later, but for now simply make a solid commitment to yourself, that you do not imply the ending of your relationship in moments of anger and high emotional intensity. How long would you stay and work for a boss who talked about firing you?
Just like a recovering alcoholic can slip in sobriety, you may slip in using abandoning language. If a slip does occur, it’s really important that the person get back on track as quickly as possible. So, if you do end up blurting out, “I can’t stand this any more!” or threatening to leave the relationship; please do a ‘First Pants’ statement as soon as possible.
First Pants statement is 3 sentences:
a) What’s true about my behavior, or what’s my part in this problem?
b) Acknowledge your partner’s feelings i.e.. “I see you’re upset.”
c) Amends/Action- Say you’re sorry and say what actions you’ll take so that you’re not doing this in the future.
Go HERE for more about taking time outs.