Anger Stress Management Communication Skills for marriages
and relationships in conflict! Get back to loving each other!

From Conflict to anger management stress conflict communication counselingCaring Free Samples

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From the 'Coming Together for Life'
From Conflict to Caring Workbook for Couples

Once you experience the way we address the problem you'll want the whole workbook.
Try out these online sections of the manual :
This page contains: Listen to Anger Without Defending | Respect Agreement | Should I Stay or Leave?
Click for these other topics: Stop Destructive Arguing I Expressing Anger Constructively

Hearing Another Person's Anger Without Getting Defensive
It's The Sequence, Silly!

 Responding to another's person's anger-

The First Pants...then Shoes method

The need to defend oneself is a powerful reflex. So powerful that it makes people say things that only gets them into more trouble. Showing that you see how you may be responsible for causing your partner's hurt or anger and that you care about it enough to do something contradicts our natural instinct to protect ourselves.

I saw a special on Discovery cable about the training of Secret Service agents who protect the President. The head of training the agents said that when most people hear a gunshot they have a natural reflex to move away from the sound of the shot. He saw one of his difficult tasks as retraining his agents to MOVE TOWARD the sound so the agent could quickly disarm the assassin or protect the president.

At Pacific Skills Training Co. we have a similar difficult task. When a person feels attacked by their partner the most natural human response is to defend. Defending can be through defensive arguments, by withdrawal or by attacking back. The goal of the First Pants...then Shoes method is to respond to the anger of another without making things worse by defending yourself right off the bat. You can always defend yourself later. But once you've begun defending the other person legitimately feels you are not listening or that you don't care.anger management violence couple violent

We call that 'Putting on your shoes before your pants.'

At some time growing up you probably learned that if you put your shoes on before you put on your pants, then putting on your pants becomes a difficult, if not impossible task. We learn this sequence and rarely make the mistake of reversing the order later in life; because of the difficulty that it creates.

The shoes in our illustration represents defending oneself by making excuses or trying to get our point of view (P.O.V.) heard first. The metaphor of 'First Pants ...then Shoes' reflects the idea that anger can be handled better for all concerned if we deal with it in a certain order. That order is best defined by: (It's in Manual)

 

The first instinct is to defend yourself. But instead you respond to your partner in a way that shows that you are responsible and that you care about how she was affected. This means that when you hear your partner's angry offended tone of voice your first you MOVE TOWARD THE ANGER in a way that shows you're interested in addressing it. Yeah, relationships are tough. This almost makes the Secret Service Training look attractive, doesn't it?

Without accepting all the blame can you see where maybe you made a small mistake. Are you even 2% responsible for the problem and how that affects your partner? Your tone of voice? Your assumptions?....

Is it possible that you were insensitive, fearful, dishonest, mean or selfish? Are you capable of saying any of these things about yourself? Are you capable of saying these things before you get the other to understand your point of view?

  For example: Bill is late again in coming home from the office. Bill knows that his wife , Jan, has reason to be upset that he was late for dinner, but was so irritated by the tone of her scolding voice that he failed to acknowledge her feelings and instead defended himself by saying angrily "It's not so big a deal. You've been late, before too!" which only made her more mad. If he had first acknowledged that indeed he was late and showed that he understood how he affected her, he could then proceed to talk about being irritated by her tone of voice. She would not be so infuriated at him for invalidating her feelings that perhaps she would then be willing to listen to his feelings about being being talked to in a scolding manner.

The emphasis here is on the sequence of acknowledging the other's feelings before getting the other to understand your point of view. That means listening and reflecting feelings of your partner, even when you believe that the thoughts, those feelings are based on, are inaccurate.

Bill demonstrates this if he says "I'm sorry that my being late again hurt you."; even when he knows that the accident on the freeway coming home from work is an understandable excuse. Jan would rather hear that he's concerned with her experience than that he's got a good excuse.

The 'First Pants then Shoes' technique deals first with the issue of responsibility. First acknowledge that your behavior affected the other person, then defend yourself by explaining your side. Isn't it true that Bill's history of being late and the fact that he is late again is the cause of Jan's hurt and angry feelings? What does Bill lose by simply acknowledging this fact? He'll have time to give his reasons later. If he's more concerned with being right than with how his wife feels he will be right, but he will also be alone. He's distanced Jan by showing her that it was more important to defend himself than to show that he cares about how she felt.

If he fails to acknowledge how it makes sense for Jan to be upset he'll spend one and a half hours arguing with her, when he could be done with the conflict in three minutes!!

marriage marital anger control arguing
Picture your most comfortable pair of jeans or slacks. Now see the words 'I did something' embossed on the right pant leg and the words 'I care how that affects you' embossed on on the left pant leg. The shoes represent trying to get the other to see your viewpoint, rationale and feelings about a situation first. Now go ahead and put your shoes on first. Yes, they go on! "Halleleuia! I got my excuse out there first. I made sure that my excuse was loudly proclaimed. Now that I've explained myself she'll stop hammering me won't she? I'll show her that I care about her feelings AFTER I exonerate myself. Oh sure, I care about what you went through Jan." Now try getting your pants on (showing her that you're aware your behavior affected her and that you care). It's very difficult to do. Once Jan had to fight to get her feelings heard she becomes even harder for Bill to console. She doesn't want to fight to have her feelings heard. This is a shame because Bill actually does care about Jan's feelings. He was just more interested in defending himself. He put on his shoes first. It's just the sequence! Show you understand first..then defend, or present your point of view.

It sounds simple doesn't it? It is simple. It's just not easy. The workbook helps you practice, practice and practice some more on hypothetical examples so that your reflexes are conditioned like a jet fighter to respond in the manner you were trained, without thinking.
© 2004 Pacific Skills Training- All rights reserved.
The rest of the chapter on 'First Pants...then Shoes' is in the manual. More info HERE.

Is it possible I play a role in our problem?

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again." "Well, the doctor replies, "go home tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness.

"Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

Handling Contempt, Rejection or Hostility

 

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Making the 'Basic Respect Agreement'

 

 In some relationships there is someone who shames and controls the other with the contempt and rejection in their words or in their tone of voice.

Let's take Al and Bev. No matter what problems are discussed it comes back to how it affects Al, because he makes that the subject. Only he doesn't talk about how it affects him, he makes his wife Bev feel bad for calling attention to how he may have hurt, disappointed or shamed her. Al may be having a bad sales week at work, or he may just be selfish and always want to have things go his way. Instead of saying "Bev, I wish you would...." he says "You always... " or "you never....." and he may throw in some "You're an idiot.", "Why did I marry you?", "I can't take this anymore!" or "You make me sick." lines just to make Bev feel worse. Why????? Because Al is not very good at saying "I'm scared about my job." or "Bev, I need your help." So instead of saying "I feel bad." he makes Bev feel bad. Psychologists call this projection.

He can't say "OUCH!" so he makes you express HIS pain by saying, "Here's what's wrong, bad and unacceptable about YOU!"

Al may also have an underlying belief that tells him "If I make her feel bad enough, she will change, or at least she'll stop calling attention to my shortcomings. After all, isn't that how people change?" Or he believes that he is expressing his feelings. He is not expressing his feelings though.....he is expressing his contempt and rejection for Bev. The strategy often works as a diversion because it does indeed change the subject. However, there is a cost to the relationship that he is most probably completely unaware of. The problem for Bev is that it is very difficult to come back to normal relations after several experiences of feeling completely rejected by Al. She will likely develop passive-aggressive responses to show her resentment. (ie. forgetting things, doing the opposite of what Al wanted ...etc.)

Since she's not allowed to show her anger verbally Bev will unconscously do the VERY THINGS that bother Al because she needs an outlet for her resentment.

Now Al can claim that he's correct because she does seem to be wanting to 'piss him off.' He just doesn't realize that HE COULD BE THE PRIMARY REASON why she continues the passive-aggressive behaviors.

Al's unawareness of how his tone of voice conveys contempt and rejection is crucial here. Since he is not aware of how cutting or hostile his expressions are, he is completely confused when Bev reacts so strongly to his words. He may truly not understand why she is now either combatively battling him or emotionally distancing herself from him. It wasn't so much what he said that made her feel rejected. It was 'HOW HE SAID IT'! It was his tone of voice.

 Al will not let Bev talk about the 'way in which' his feelings are expressed. He may interrupt her, ignore her, shame her, demean her, call her insane or too sensitive, minimize her feelings, rationalize his behavior, justify his rage, intimidate her with his voice or his body, withdraw emotionally or physically or pout in a rejective manner...etc. etc. All this in order to cut off Bev's simple statement "I feel hurt by your contempt and rejection." Bev is not allowed to talk about feeling abused, hurt, rejected or put down by his words, his tone of voice or by his physically intimidating manner of speaking. The unspoken rule in their house becomes-

Bev cannot talk about the HOSTILE 'WAY IN WHICH' AL TALKS TO HER.

The essence of 'Coming Together for Life' is that it is now O.K. for either partner to stop the dialogue and shine the spotlight on how hurtful, rejectful, demeaning, parental or contemptful the words of the other feel.

You now have an agreement with your partner so that there is a method that moves you beyond petty arguing and into the realm of respectfully trying to understand each other.

The agreement is simple, direct and effective. And it includes what to do if the person cannot or will not stop using a hostile, parental or shaming tone of voice. The agreement made between partners is............continued in the workbook.
© 2004 Pacific Skills Training- All rights reserved.
Deciding 'Should I Stay, or Should I leave'

There are a few reasons that your relationship will not improve significantly at this time. These are known as primary problems that are so influential that they are an obstacle that must be cleared before work on the relationship can be considered.

Primary Problems Which Need Attention

An ongoing affair whether it is known or secret.

Psychological or medical disorders that are not treated. These include: depression, manic depression, attention deficit disorder, PMS or menopause disorders, post traumatic stress and anxiety disorders such as obsessive-compulsive or post-traumatic stress disorder. Post traumatic Stress is often a result of abusive, neglectful or violent experiences in childhood. These can experiences can profoundly affect how someone later processes issues of trust and conflict in current relationships. If symptoms from any of these illnesses are present and the person is unwilling to get treatment for it then there is a much reduced prospect for significant change in the relationship. First things first.

Someone is frequently dishonest and that person is unwilling to identify that behavior as an individual problem that he or she wants to work on.

One partner uses physical violence or emotional intimidation and is unwilling to say that this is an individual problem that s/he wants to work on separately from the relationship.

Having made the commitments from the Coming Together for Life workbook, and even though there is a fair effort made; the frequency and magnitude of the continuing offenses are severe enough that the other partner does not feel safe enough to continue within the relationship. We emphasize 'progress, not perfection' so the issue isn't that slips or mistakes are made. The important thing is does the person eventually recognize his or her responsibility in the conflict and can the person show some concern for how that affects you. Or, if one person is unable to reasonably follow the guidelines and is not willing to seek further help.

What do I mean when I say "an individual problem that he or she is willing to work on separate from the relationship"? Or what is meant by getting 'further help'? A person can work on the issues they struggle with alone by reading books on the subject of violence or lying but few people are able to do this without the help of others. Using the help of others could mean going to a professional therapist who specializes in the area that needs work or it can mean going to a self -help group for that particular problem. If physical violence is the problem then my recommendation is to attend a professionally led anger management or domestic violence group. Having worked for ten years in these groups I can say that the men are pleasantly surprised that they can learn useful methods that benefit their relationships. For most of the men it is the first time that they are exposed to the principle that being vulnerable will not result in being hurt.

One partner refuses to ever consider forgiving the other for some past wrong committed by the other, even when that partner has humbly asked for forgiveness.

Alcohol or drug dependence or abuse (prescribed medicines too!) Other addictions such as food, sex, spending, gambling or work are huge impediments to progress in a relationship which are sometimes overlooked or simply denied.

* Leaving a psychologically violent or abusive relationship. If you feel scared that you will be hurt, pursued or injured if you leave then trust your feelings and seek help from a women's shelter or hotline before taking action. Talk with them and consider the advice or recommendations that is given to you. The most dangerous time, physically, for the abused wife (or husband) is at the time of separating. There were armchair quarterbacks saying Nicole Brown Simpson should have left O.J. and divorced him. She was leaving him! It was then that she was killed.

If you are physically abused by your partner, call 1 800 978-3600 to talk to a domestic violence counselor to learn about resources in your area. You are not alone! If violence is occuring in your home then break the isolation. And for the person whose anger is out of control, please seek the competent help of anger management specialists. Why wait for a neighbor's phone call to initiate your criminal record? Do something courageous and positive NOW! Seek the help of professionals who can help you. Stop saying "I'm sorry." and take some real steps toward repeating what probably happened in the family you grew up in.

Checklist Before You Leave

If you have done these things then you can leave knowing that you did everything you could before leaving. These do not apply if there is violence, addiction, continuing adultery or unrepentent lying in the relationship.

...checklist is in the workbook.

Things to think about when you consider ending a relationship.

When your partner apologizes does s/he mention both what s/he did and how s/he's hurt you?

If any form of physical control, intimidation or violence occurs, does it get justified (ie. "I wouldn't have done it if you didn't....")?

If apologies are made is there reference made to the person's intention about changing future behavior, or is there further justification for the disrespectful behavior?

Are you growing in this relationship?

Is the other person growing in this relationship? Is there improvement? It's a process. Is there an expressed willingness to grow? Or are you assuming your partner wants to change his/her behavior and attitudes. Remember we're looking for 'Progress and not Perfection'...the rest of the list of things to consider is contained in the manual.)

 The three questions to ask yourself that will help you really know if you should leave the relationship are contained in the workbook.

 

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© 2004 Pacific Skills Training- All rights reserved.

The rest of the chapter on 'Handling Contempt & Rejection' is in the manual. More info HERE.

 
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