Hostility, Contempt, Intimidation & Abuse

Can This Course Help Abusive
Or Violent Relationships

If someone could simply execute the simple exercises, agreements and use the two skills taught in the course, then the abuse would stop.   But, in most cases of abuse the abuser is not interested in changing any of his, or her, behavior.  The principles in my course may help contain, limit or diminish some of the bad consequences of controlling abusive behaviors, but it will not address healing the reasons this person goes quickly to abuse and cannot control it.  My coursel is not designed for couples who have experienced physical violence in the last 6 months.   Some of the techniques in the book, such as Time Outs, are helpful for couples in which there has been recent violence, but the book is not a substitute for professional treatment.   It is probably a form of ‘Toxic Hope’ to believe that a partner will change his or her abusive behaviors if that person has not at the minimum, committed to professional treatment for abusive behavior.   Just like with addictions and addictive behaviors, there are instances of people who make a complete reversal of their behaviors without professional treatment.  Often, these changes are a part of a spiritual and emotional transformation.  Sometimes fear alone works great!  Fear of jail is the most influential factor as to why a perpetrator does not relapse and become physically violent again.   So, fear works… as a good start.  But, then the physical violence is replaced with mental, emotional and verbal abuse.

 

If a man or woman who has crossed the line into abusive behavior says that he, or she, will go to regular counseling, rather than specialists who focus on abuse and violence; or the person promises to go to generic relationship workshops or marriage counseling, these will probably not substantially help the problem.   There is that old saying, “Abusive men (or women) will never change.”   This is somewhat true.    I would only add that abusive people very rarely change unless they are getting professional help specifically designed for changing controlling and abusive behaviors.   Now, I am not saying here that good therapy or applying good spiritual principles may not have miraculous effects sometimes.   These are the exceptions and not the rule in most cases.  In the reference to Dr. John Shore’s article in the  column to the right, on “Seven Reasons Women Stay In Abusive Relationships”, there is a letter written to him by a woman.  The woman’s sister has been abused many times by a man who claims each time shortly that Jesus has cured him of the impulse to abuse her.  The odds are lower for achieving success in controlling these behaviors if you seek treatment from professionals who are not expert in the subject area.  The difference in results are probably as dramatic as someone with a form of cancer seeking treatment from a general family practitioner vs. a cancer specialist.

The problem is one person’s abusive behavior…. period.

We do not look at what someone else did that the abusive person became abusive.  That would be justifying that abuse can occur when the partner does certain things.  We do not want to leave any impressions that there is ANY reason for becoming abusive.   There has been a long standing public service announcement and campaign that says, “There’s No Excuse For Domestic Abuse.”    Couples counseling assumes that the couple has problems of communication.   When one person uses abuse, intimidation or violence, then the problem is his, or her, individual problem of controlling abusive behavior.   Only his, or her, commitment to anger management or domestic violence treatment is sufficient to begin believing that there is a ‘Real Hope’ that the relationship can change.   And, even with a commitment to attending treatment, the real test is whether the behavior begins to happen less frequently, with less intensitiy and for a shorter duration.   With actual evidence that changes are happening, we can now say that there may be some ‘Real Hope’ for the relationship or marriage. There is a continuum of behaviors within a relationship that can be called abusive.   They range from being slightly disrespectful to your partner, such as raising your voice in an argument; increasing to using physical violence to control the partner.   Most disrespectful and violent behavior is about controlling the partner.   There is a common understanding that these men and women Research shows that about 5% of violent relationships are where females are doing the intimidation.    I may hear from men that the women are violent with them, and that they should be in treatment.  Of course, this statement usually long precedes that man’s full change in his behavior.  But, more important than this is a fact that most of us who peruse newspaper headlines can confirm just with our anecdotal experience.

When a woman is violent with a man, it can be embarrassing…& maybe painful.  When a man gets violent with a woman  It can mean life and death!

What To Do When There Is Physical 
Violence, Intimidation Or Emotional Abuse While Time Outs are an important part of handling abusive relationships; using these methods is not a replacement for professional treatment when physical abuse is present in a relationship.   Do not attempt couples counseling when intimidating or violent behavior is occuring.   Couples counseling creates the illusion that the problem is a communication or couples problem, when the real problem is the violent person’s impulse control.   So the first order of business is that that person seeks professional help to control and cease his, or her, violence and intimidation.   That may consist of at least 5 or 6 months of treatment; before beginning to work on marital communication issues with both partners in the room.

Violence is not a communication or couples problem.
It is the impulse control problem of an individual.

Only do couples therapy sessions after a period of the abuser doing abuser treatment. Whenever, there is violence and abuse, the violent one must FIRST get treatment for his or her problem of not controlling the violence/abuse.  The one who is physically violent or emotionally abusive needs to seek help for his or her individual problem of lack of control.   Group treatment by trained violence professionals is known to be the most effective type of therapy.   Standard individual psychotherapy, by therapists not trained in anger management or violence may even be counterproductive.   Please refer to the 800 799-SAFE domestic violence hotline telephone number or contact a women’s shelter in your area for guidance and support.   The best place to find referrals for therapists with experience in treating abuse is the municipal court, probation or city attorney. They will often have a list of county approved programs and therapists who meet the requirements for court ordered group treatment for battering.  Shop around and speak with a few therapists before you decide. If a therapist says I can treat both you and your partner, that therapist is not practicing good ethical standards.  After all, who is his patient then, when things get tough between partners if he is seeing both parties.  It’s O.K. to do collateral, or periodic joint visits that can include the partner, but if the other partner needs psychotherapy then it would be best if a referral is made to another clinician with similar experience in controlling relationships. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE NATIONAL 
CRISIS HOTLINE 800 799-SAFE (7233)

Things to think about when you 
consider ending a relationship.

  • If you even slightly feel scared that your partner might hurt you physically, even if he has not shown any history of physical violence with you, then it may benefit you to speak with a professionally trained person.
  • The worst advice from non-trained personnel is when a woman is told to simply leave him.  This is often said as if it were a simple act.  What these people don’t appreciate is that this is the most dangerous time for the relationship and for the woman.  It is best to get advice from trained people at the hotline, before considering leaving, or saying you’re leaving.
  • If any form of physical control, intimidation or violence occurs, does it get justified (ie. “I wouldn’t have done it if you didn’t…. If you are afraid of your partner go call the 800 799-SAFE (7233)  number to speak with a trained staff person at this national domestic violence agency.
  • If apologies are made is there reference made to the person’s intention about changing future behavior, or is there further justification for the disrespectful behavior?
  • Are you growing in this relationship?
  • Is the other person growing in this relationship? Is there improvement? It’s a process. Is there an expressed willingness to grow? Or are you assuming your partner wants to change his/her behavior and attitudes. Remember we’re looking for ‘Progress and not Perfection’…the rest of the list of things to consider is contained in the manual.)
  • When your partner apologizes does s/he mention both what s/he did and how s/he’s hurt you?

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE NATIONAL 
CRISIS HOTLINE 800 799-SAFE (7233)

What If There Is Abuse Or Violence In My Relationship?

There is a continuum of behaviors within a relationship that can be called abusive.   They range from being slightly disrespectful to your partner, such as raising your voice in an argument; increasing to using physical violence to control the partner.   Most disrespectful and violent behavior is about controlling the partner.   There is a common understanding that these men and women do not change.  This is only true when the person is not getting treatment.   Research shows that about 5% of violent relationships are where females are doing the intimidation.   I often hear from men that the women they are with are violent with them, and that they should be in treatment.   Of course, this statement usually precedes that man’s full change in his behavior.   But, more important than this is a fact that most of us who peruse newspaper headlines can confirm just with our anecdotal experience.

When a woman is violent with a man,
it might be embarrassing & maybe painful for the man.

When a man gets violent with a woman
It can mean life and death!

The common wisdom is that abusive people do not change.   This is generally true; but actually it only applies when the perpetrator does not seek treatment specifically for abusive behavior.   Treatment for abusive behaviors has only been around since the 1970’s and the results of long lasting behavior changes are about as successful as addiction treatments.

TEN THINGS TO DO IF YOU
 ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

  1. 1 When violence occurs, or if you are threatened or afraid, call 911.
  2. Take your children and go to a safe place.
  3. Go to the Emergency Room if injured.
  4. Call 800 799-SAFE for referrals to a domestic violence shelters.
  5. If leaving home, take important documents: birth certificates, bank, car & insurance documents; social security cards; picture I.D.  Try to set aside extra cash and all the items above in a one place, or simply know ahead time where these things are; before you need them.
  6. If you believe you will not be hurt, then tell your partner that you cannot see a future in this marriage unless he, or she, gets counseling for being verbally abusive and/or violent.   And, not just generic counseling, but Domestic Violence or Anger Management therapy.   About half of our group members in the Los Angeles Domestic Violence class, that I co-facilitate with Alyce La Violette, MFT, come to our group without being referred by the court.  We call these spouse ordered, but these men do deserve the respect that comes with seeking help on a voluntary basis.  Alyce’s  agency,  ‘Alternatives To Violence.’    We have groupls in Long Beach and West Los Angeles.
  7. Keep an extra set of car and house keys outside or at a neighbor’s house.
  8. Pack a set of clothes and shoes for you or your children and store with a friend, neighbor or church.
  9. Obtain a Protection From Abuse order through the court.
  10. Know that you are not alone, and confidential, affordable help is available.  The Cycle of Violence can be stopped!

What is the difference between 
getting a little mad vs getting abusive? Is it O.K. to blow off some steam once in a while?   Can’t a person just get angry in this country without some politically correct buttinsky telling me that I’m being abusive now?  Is yelling at your husband who has just called you stupid called abusive.    Where do I cross the line?   Is it at raising your voice by a certain percentage?   200%?   300%?   When do we call something a ‘scream’ instead of a ‘yell?’    These are interesting questions, but they should not dominate our discussion of abusive behavior. Of course we are human beings and getting angry is a normal part of being alive and having feelings.   Showing our anger should be normal also.   So, where do we draw the line and call it Verbal Abuse?   I like what Wikipedia says about Verbal Abuse- ” Verbal abuse is best described as an ongoing emotional environment organized by the abuser for the purposes of control.   The underyling factor in the dynamic of verbal abuse is the abuser’s low regard for him or herself.   The abuser attempts to place their victim in a position to believe similar things about him or herself, a form of warped projection.”   I like this description because in the definition it also lets you know WHY it’s happening  The abuser’s low self esteem is compelling him, or her, to control the other so that the other will feel the bad feelings that the abuser has about him, or herself, that is not being dealt with. The abusers may be totally unconscious of the bad self esteem that they feel about themselves.  A good reference piece in Wikipedia on domestic violence is HERE.  There are good links on this brief page. It does’t matter whether you intended to harm the other … it is abusive if it has a damaging effect.  That it harms. We all know abuse when we see it or when we hear it.  Abuse usually contains some element of a threat whether physical, emotional or mental. It also contains a felt sense of danger or threat.   I can say to a woman I am divorcing, in a calm voice, that I’ll make sure she never sees her children.  The fact that I did so in a calm voice does not take away that I was being extremely threatening. John Shore wrote on his blog an article called Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships.  It is an excellent piece of writing and speaks very practically about the reasons someone stays in a bad relationship.  The article is worth looking at, even if you are not someone, nor do you know someone who is abusive.  The answers John gives helps us understand how it is that we may do things that do not seem like it’s in our best interest.  It is a wonderfully well written, easy to understand and non-clinical approach to answering the question, “Why do some women stay in abusive relationships?” Here are some of the section headings from his article-

  • The Challenge of Having to Create a New Self Image
  • Fear of the Unknown
  • Fear of Embarrassment
  • Replaying Your Family’s Old Tapes
  • You Love the Lovable In Him
  • How Could He Be So Different From You?
  • He Lies

John’s book on this subject can be bought on Amazon HERE.  for just 99 cents as a kindle, or $7.95 as a paperback! The discussion makes for a robust and thought provoking take off point whether you are a professional, a victim of abuse or an abuser.  I highly recommend the reading. Good Song From NickelbackThat Captures
The Thinking After A Bad Incident If you’re a man (or woman) who might have a problem with being controlling or aggressive in his tone of voice this song may help think about a future.

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

Some people won’t change until you leave them.  And, even then maybe not.

I offer three ways you can ask yourself if you should stay or leave the relationship HERE.

 

WHY DO VICTIMS STAY WITH ABUSERS? SITUATIONAL FACTORS

Financial dependence on abuser making it difficult to imagine how to survive on one’s own. If there are children, fear that they will be deprived. Lack of an available support system to assist them in recognizing and escaping abuse. Friends/family who never see the partner’s negative side may not believe the victim at first or may minimize the situation. Friends/family who have tried to help in the past only to see the victim return to the abuser may; be disappointed or angry and less inclined to offer help again. Failure bv societal institutions to understand soouse abuse to take the problem seriously and totake appropriate action. Examples: Clergy who focus on sanctity of marriage and emphasize maintaining the relationship at all cost; counselors who subdy or overtly side with the-abuser, law enforcement officers who minimize and do not arrest abusers or do not treat victims with respect; doctors who do not address obvious signs of abuse in their patients. Increased threats by abuser when victims tries-to separate. Threats by abuser to kill victim, children or other family, and/or to commit suicide. Knowledge of other battered women who were killed after separating from their abusers.

ATTITUDINAL FACTORS AND PROGRESSIVE EFFECTS OF ABUSE

At first they stay because they love or care about the abuser.

  • Believe that the violence is temporary and/or caused by unusual circumstances.
  • Hope that it will soon stop.  This hope is typically reinforced by periods of time in which there is no abuse and partner is loving or at least civil.  Maybe the partner cried afterward.  Just know that sometimes the tears are more about self-centered awareness of potential loss, than a real empathy or compassion with the damage done to the partner.
  • Belief that they should understand their attacker and help them to stop their abuse.  For women especially this is part of the spousal role. Her inability to help her partner may mean to her that she is failing in the role of nurturer .  My Vulnerability To Hostility graphic here shows how the abuser is actually experiencing powerlessness or pain, or fear, or sadness.  You knowing this will not change the fact that the disrespect, abuse or violence will probably continue until help is sought.
  • Belief in the value of holding the family together putting this value above their personal pain, fear, etc. May feel pressure from family, religion, etc. to do this.
  • Feelings of personal incompetence such a feeling that one must have a partner to get by in the world, even though they are abusive.  Self-blame.
  • Belief that they are in part responsible for the abuse; Their abuser is punishing them for their inability to at properly or to meet the abuser’s expectations.  NOTE: Self-blame is a recognized side-effect of repeated traumatic stress.  Increasing mental and physical exhaustion due to unpredictability of abuse.  Victim experiences increasing confusion and difficulty in thinking clearly as a result of the pressure of living with someone who changes from kind to cruel without warning, of never knowing what’s going to set them off next, of living on continual alert Increasing mental and physical exhaustion.
  • Growing self-doubt about their value as a person, their judgment, capabilities, and attractiveness as the effects of abuse eat away at self-esteem (“Maybe he’s right, maybe I’m exaggerating; and anyway, how could I manage on my own?” t4How will I ever find anybody else?”, etc.)
  • Need to defend the abuser. Battering reduces faith in oneself and increases isolation so that victim comes to feel they cannot survive without the abuser. At this point any threat to the abuser may be perceived as a threat to themselves, and they may act to protect the abuser.
  • Belief that all men are abusive.  This is reinforced by growing up in a culture in which physical aggressiveness is considered manly.  May come from being raised by abusive parent(s).
  • Belief in omnipotence of abuser caused by abuser’s control tactics. 
  This will be stronger if victim has separated and been forced or enticed
into returning only to have abuse continue.
  • Terror induced by prolonged abuse.  “There is no better way of making people compliant that beating them up on
 an intermittent basis.” Richard Gelies, Director of the Family Violence
Research Program at the University of Rhode Island, quoted in Newsweek.
7/4/94, page 29. National Domestic Violence Hotline 1 800-799-SAFE (7233) 800 787 3224 (TTY) Trust your sense of danger! If you are afraid of more physical abuse or stalking then don’t act until you’ve spoken with domestic violence professionals. Warning Signs Of 
Controlling Relationships

 

ARE YOU GOING OUT 
WITH SOMEONE WHO…

  • Acts jealous or possessive? Tells you who you can see & who you cannot.
  • Is bossy, gives you orders… ignores your wishes?
  • Never seems to be able to say, “I see I did something that hurt you.
  • Cannot seem to take ANY responsibility for problems in the relationship.  When there is abuse he, or she, says it would not have happened if only you did not _______ .
  • Threatens to hurt you?  Threatens you financially or emotionally?
  • Verbally abuses you (puts you down, calls you names)?
  • Criticizes you, humiliates or degrades you?  Especially in an unwanted sexual context.
  • Makes all the decisions in the relationship?
  • Has a violent temper, has weapons, has a violent history?  Partner has tortured animals.
  • Won’t let you have friends of the opposite sex?
  • Pressures you for sex?
  • Constantly wants to be with you and know where you are at all times.
  • Does he, or she, have a history of bad relationships and blames the “ex” all the time?
  • Has your friends and family warned you about the person?
  • Are you are afraid of the person?   What is the partner’s response when you say you are afraid?   If it is dismissive of your concern and there is no remorse then it will continue in the future.
  • If so, you may be in danger of experiencing abuse within the relationship.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE NATIONAL 
CRISIS HOTLINE 800 799-SAFE Final Words If You Are The Abuser If you listen to the still small voice within, you may know that you have a problem and that you are out of control.  Maybe it’s fear, or pride, or not believing that anyone CAN help, or simply not knowing that there is compassionate help available for you.  Please do not let these things delay you from seeking help from professionals who do this type of work.  It may be hard to believe but I can say for myself, we do have empathy, compassion and a basic level of respect for the men in the Violence and Anger Management groups and classes.   Abusive people do not stop (O.K. rarely, if ever)  their patterns without help.  The odds of changing your harsh behavior increases exponentially when you are in treatment.

Tips For Victims of Domestic Violence

— Alyce LaViolette, MFT

Alyce LaViolette, 2001  
www.AlyceLaViolette.com

  • Don’t blame yourself for provoking the abuse in your relationship. In a healthy relationship you can make mistakes, get angry or even be critical and not pay such a high price. You are not the “cause” of your partner’s rage or violence and you cannot be the cure.
  • Acknowledge your efforts to maintain good home for your family, to create a safe environment and to support your partner. When we make promises to stay for better or worse, in good times and bad, we take those promises and commitments seriously. The important thing to realize is that one person cannot keep those commitments and promises; it takes both adults in the relationship.
  • You cannot change someone else’s behavior. Try to focus on problems you can solve like breaking your isolation by talking to people you trust, creating a safety plan for you and for your children, nurturing and caring for yourself.
  • Get help. Call a local domestic violence hotline. They can provide you with direct services including counseling and, if you need it, emergency housing. They can also give you referrals to additional community resources.
  • Compassion for your partner may mean strongly encouraging him/her to seek help, calling the police or even leaving. Remember love shouldn’t hurt.
  • You may be in an abusive relationship if:
  • Your partner has an explosive temper
  • Your partner threatens, criticizes or puts you down enough that your self-esteem is effected
  • Your partner breaks or throws things
  • Your partner grabs, kicks, shoves or slaps you
  • Your partner attempts to isolate you from family, friends or co-workers
  • Your partner attempts to control your ideas and/or behaviors
  • Your partners is extremely jealous
  • Your partner drinks or uses drugs often
  • Your partner gives you the “silent treatment”
  • Your partner blames you for problems in the relationship while refusing to take responsibility for his/her own behaviors

You are in an abusive relationship if your relationship is characterized by fear (emotional and/or physical), oppression and control.

Intimates should aim to keep their friendship and partnership alive and well.

Most of us learn about adult relationships by reading books, watching television or going to the movies. We learn that love equals romance, that men and women have specific

roles once they establish an intimate bond and that real love is a crazy, roller coaster ride. Unless we observed our parents treating each other respectfully and affectionately, these media caricatures become our reality. But real love is not crazy or based on fear. Fear gets in the way of love. Real intimacy is about friendship, affection, trust, respect, sexual and mental health.

Children who grow up in abusive families are affected even if they don’t witness an incident. They feel the tension, hear things or see the results. And they learn survival skills that get in the way of their adult relationships. They learn that violence and rage – solve problems. They learn to be reactive and not proactive. They learn to interpret the behavior of others as threatening or betraying even when it isn’t… and they learn how to survive in a persistent state of fear. You can interrupt the intergenerational cycle of violence by getting help.

  • All relationships have their share of problems and difficult times.   No relationship is perfect.   Adults expect particular things from each other.
  • We do not unconditionally love, we have some conditions even though acceptance of the other person’s basic personality is very important.
  • Abuse gets in the way of intimacy.  It creates a mood of apprehension and not a mood of trust.
  • Abusive partners do not just stop being abusive because they tell you they will or make promises that they will change. Your abuser will not change without appropriate intervention, but you can change things for yourself and for your family.
  • Call for help.

 

Stalking Resources And Tips

Here is a copy of Los Angeles resource-

 

Stalking


John Shore’s book “Seven Reasons Women Stay In Abusive Relationships” contains a very helpful understanding of why people stay in abusive relationships.  You can get his book HERE.

Reason #1: The Challenge of Having to Create a New Self-Image

Many women think they’re going to have to assume a whole new identity if they force a break-up with their man. In their heart of hearts, they believe that initiating and securing a permanent separation from their former Mr. Right means irrevocably transmogrifying from the Selfless Conciliator they’ve always been, to a Selfish Terminator they’ve never imagined themselves being.

Whether via nurture or nature, a lot of women identify themselves as Uplifting, Self-Sacrificing Healer. Their understanding of who they are is deeply vested in their fulfillment of the role of dutiful daughter, supportive mate, loving mother. They’re the ones to whom others turn for comfort and counsel. They heal. They support. They sustain. They forgive. They sacrifice. They reconcile. They … well, take to the role of Emotional Martyr like Flipper takes to water. Which in a great many ways is a beautiful thing, of course. Where would any of us be if none of us knew how to put others first?

But you take a woman whose identity is inextricably bound up with her self-image as a Sacrificing Giver, put her in the position of really having to choose between her own personal well-being and the man to whom she once pledged her love, and what very often happens is that her internal life splits. She’ll have no idea what to do. She’ll have no internal emotional paradigm for assuming the role of Xena, Relationship Terminator.

Selfless, she knows.

But selfish? Not so much.

If you sense that you may be staying in a bad relationship because you’re resistant to changing your self-image from Healing Nurturer to Selfless Terminator, then it is absolutely vital for you to understand that the least healing and nurturing thing you can do for yourself and the people you love is to remain in a bad relationship. There’s virtually nothing you can do that’s more healing to yourself and those around you than to once and for all kick a bad man out of your life. Here are some reasons that’s true:

1. It’s extremely encouraging to others. The people who care about you want both you and themselves to be okay. You having the inner strength and wisdom to rid yourself of a bad man not only shows the people around you that you’re okay, it also models for them how they can be okay, too. Seeing others take definitive steps toward healing themselves greatly encourages others to do the same thing in their own lives. Healing begets healing.

2. It refutes the Women as Victims model. Children grow up to build relationships just like the ones their parents had. Mothers who remains in bad relationships teach their children, every single day, that the natural role of women is to be hurt and demeaned by men, and that the natural role of men is to treat women like garbage. That’s a terrible thing to believe is true about life.

3. Enabling a person to act poorly only hurts them. You do a man no favors by allowing him to continue to treat you shabbily. You don’t train a dog to stop biting by letting it chew on your leg. Enabling dysfunctional behavior can’t help but make it worse.

4. No one changes anyone. You can think, imagine, and dream that somehow, some day, you will change your abusive man. But he will only change when, how, where, and if he wants to. Period, end of story, close that lame, ancient fairy tale.

5. You are in a life and death situation. Just because it’s happening slowly, bit by bit every day, doesn’t mean that remaining with a bad man isn’t destroying your life. Drowning an inch at a time is still drowning. You don’t get another life. This isyour life. Get desperate about improving it.

6. You are alone. You have exactly two choices: Take the steps necessary to save yourself, or wait until you die for someone else to save you. No one is going to come riding in on a white horse and make your life all better for you. You do that yourself, or it doesn’t get done. (Even if, as many who are profoundly suffering do, for peace and understanding you turn to a Higher Power, that’s something youhave to do. God — however you perceive of that phenomenon — doesn’t make a habit of entering rooms into which he/she/it hasn’t first been invited.)